I never expected my life to end this way!

Here it is diner and he still hasn't made it home from work. I've had dinner ready since 4:00. I could use some help with getting the kids ready for bed and with their baths and tucking them in. Washing the clothes and keeping the house clean with four children under my feet. Thank God it did not rain today or it would have been just to much to handle. I know that he has to work late with the new business and getting the deliveries out and doing all the office work but I miss him and I am tired. With being pregnant with my fifth child and dealing with the other four What a day. God I love them , but please if you could send him home soon I would appreciate it.

Alan will you get Scott out of the bath and put his pajama's on and Lynn will you make sure Beth brushes her teeth? we don't need anymore cavities. Yes mom Alan and I will take care of Scott and Beth.

Mom did you get my pretty party dress done? I want to show it off at the birthday party Saturday. Everyone will be dressed in their party dresses and I can't wait to wear my pink lacy pinafore. I told my friend Tress all about it. She said she wished you would show her mom how to sew like you, so she could have new party dresses. Mom it isn't fair that Lynn gets a new dress and you haven't made me one. I like pretty dresses too! even though I don't go to school yet I still could wear them to Church. Beth just wait I will make you the next dress when I get done with Lynn's now you two girls get into bed and no playing or arguing or your father will pay a visit with the belt. OK. Alan are you and Scott in bed? Yes! Then turn the lights out. But mom I'm afraid of the dark! and Lynn won't let me sleep in her bed. OK ! OK !I will leave on the hall way light just this one time but you are going to have to get over being afraid of the night. There are no boogie men in your room and no tigers in your closet. Now kids go to sleep!!!!

8:00 and he still isn't home from work. I just wonder if there is another women in his life? Between the working and hunting I feel like I am not even married. It's me and the kids every night. And him home long enough to get me pregnant , I sure didn't bargain for this when I married him. "Lord forgive me I do not wish bad luck on the baby that is growning inside of me." If it is your will I will have as many as you give me. All I ask is help in raising them. At 29 I surely didn't see my life going along this route. What has happen to me? Somewhere along the way I've lost what I wanted my life to be.

What has happen to all my dreams? How could this have happen to me I am at a loss at knowing how and when my life changed so completely. one day I was in high school going with the most popular guy in school and planning our engagement and then all of a sudden the rug was pulled out from under me. Marian Biggs broke it off with me, his reason was that he was going to collage in California and that he didn't want me to wait for him and that since I was going to Business collage in Indiana that the distance would be to far to keep a relationship together. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All my dreams with him were gone. How could I go on? How much it hurt me. He was my first love and my life was all about him. But I did go on after awhile and I went to business school and graduated and landed a good job working as a Secretary at Servile. I finally had gotten past the breakup with Marian and was going to dances with my sisters and friends and just having the time of my life when at a VFW dance he came up to me and ask me to dance. My life was never the same after that.

He was tall, and lean, blond hair, brown eyes and dark brows with a dimple in his chin.

Very good looking and very Ivy league. When he smiled I just melted and he was coming up to me! He ask me what my name was? Louise I said and you are? Monroe but everyone call's me Bud! He ask me how come he hadn't seen me here before. I just moved down here with my sister. Are you from around here? yes. After some more small talk we danced and he took my sister and me home and asked to take me out on a date. How could I have said no he was the perfect gentlemen. We dated for about a year and had a grand catholic wedding with all the trimmings. We were both 21 and were ready to start are life together. And not to soon either for I found out a month after we were married I was pregnant! " what so soon is this really fair"

And now we had started our family. I have had four children in 5 years and then I rested for 3 years and now I'm pregnant with my fifth! "Whew". How the years have flown by and I haven't done anything I wanted to do.

I wanted to have my own piano so Icould learn all the new songs on the radio. I wanted to open my own shop and sell the clothes I would make. Or belong to a women's club!! But with having all the children I had so close together I never had the time to do any of these things. So what have I accomplished? nothing. Iam just a wife and a mother. My mother says that should be enough.That I have a good man that loves me. He converted from Baptist to Catholic so I could raise my children in the catholic religion, he has started a trucking business and built me a new home and buys you the newest things that he can afford.

I guess she is right. I guess I should not ask for more. But why do I feel so alone, so sad, that there is more to me than to be a cook housemaid, mother and wife. Aren't these titles of what I do and not of what I am? What will become of me?

Honey I'm home come give your baby some sugar? What did you save me for supper? And did you wash and starch my white shirt's for work.

Where have you been all this time? It's 8:00 and I know you couldn't be at work,working all this time. You could at least call and told me that you were going to be late.

Forget the sugar and get your own meal and iron your own shirt. I know you've been with some other women! Good night.

Gee why are you yelling at me? I've been at work all this time and the work won't get done by itself. Oh go ahead and go to bed!

This is part one of my story I hope you enjoyed! Iam new at this and would welcome good criticism. Just no bashing!